June 2, 2009

One of the many benefits that I have received as a result of being ashamed of myself is that I shudder at the thought of ever being intrusive…..although I’m sure that I often am. The idea that someone would tell me that I’m invading their space or interrupting them scares me, for that person would be recognizing me as a kind of boor, which is among the many unflattering names I’ve called myself during this lifetime. The other side of this ridiculous coin is that if someone intrudes into my space or interrupts me I get an interior feeling of rage which, thankfully, I almost never express. It feels like the intruder believes that I am irrelevant, that I can be ignored, that I have no value, also beliefs I have held about myself. But these beliefs are mine and no one else is allowed to know these things about me and when it seems that they do I want to hurt them.

I attend an Iyengar Yoga class on Tuesday mornings and have been doing so for years. I enjoy this class and find it helpful to my physical and mental well being. Most of the people in the class have also been attending for a long time and it has become a comfortable place with most of us occupying the same floor space week after week and year after year. We arrange our spaces with a yoga mat, a bolster, some blankets, a belt and a few blocks for support during some of the standing poses. My friend John and I are normally the only men in the class which is quite pleasant from both a visual and competitive point of view.

This morning a new guy joined the group (hopefully for only one week) and squeezed himself between me and the person next to me. I immediately didn’t like him which is a typical feeling I get when someone new joins a group that I’m a part of. I was prepared to ignore him but thought that might be a bit obtuse so I said good morning. He is a very tall man and thin with a mustache and his shorts were very brief and he was being intrusive so I liked him even less.

The class began and I forgot about him for a while but then he started taking my “stuff”. First he took one of the blankets that I had gotten for myself and then decided that he could use the belt I had gotten for the class. Now understand that these implements are not mine per se but I had gotten them from the storage shelves and intended to use them for certain poses.

The class was ruined for me. I wanted to say something to him but didn’t know how. I felt like he believed me to be irrelevant and he occupied my mind for the entire class. An aim of yoga is to go inward but my focus was on this tall, skinny, mustached, invading creep who was taking my toys.

Chronologically I’m a long way from being two years old but sometimes my thoughts are right there in the first year of pre school. There’s a lesson here that I’ve learned before but I’ll just have to learn it again.

Posted June 2, 2009


Charlie Green was kind enough to point me to your blog today. My gain!

Feels as though Buddha came into your space!

Sounds like you’re working with your personal Shadow side. Me too. The truth journal is always the best place for that.
The (…) major donors Jazz Supper Party (in contrast to the Faculty lunch was too rushed for conversations I was enjoying & the food was uninteresting. The chapel converted to a lecture hall is satisfactory; converted to a jazz club—not. The music stopped conversation; the listening faces of old folk on the far side lost animation / joie de vivre dropped. Les autres looked like not-v-happy old-rich-guys. (moi? Non! ) I could and did leave early. (…)never does events badly—his eye operation? Too many conflicts-to-avoid, situations-to-manage??

What I really want to do is de-toxify his POV of the Enneagram as such. It’s an analogy—like poetry w fascinating line linkages & I’m mad at him for not seeing that. My perceptions above may be simply anger displacement suggestions from my nimble mind. I prefer to appreciate rather than critique—but I do not like X, Y & Z …

OK so in giving useful, accurate response to someone, (forefinger-other and thumb-self) appreciation comes first. (…) has a large vision w a positive push to engage with the full messiness of life on this planet in this age—no blame and rage drains, no whining—just see what’s so—expand to meet it and love the process, all of it. He’s a highly evolved Enneagram TWO leader, shadow warts (EIGHT power manipulations) and all (FOUR elite vision, charm, etc,) like FDR and Dustin Hoffman. OK I’m an avaricious FIVE and steal pens with butterflies on them.

What do I need or want to feel finished with this?

What will this allow me to do? I am fascinated by the full range of consciousness in all forms of life, but particularly in organized systems of sensory data. Perhaps (…) offers me a field to deepen my own questions, perhaps not. I will think about this.
–yeah Phil, so it goes!

Hi Phil – I remember the incident. Luckily Robert, the Lord of the Short Shorts, has moved on.

Say hi to Rosemary.


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